An Open Letter to Republican Senators and Ben Nelson

Dear Sirs and Madams:

I just wanted to take the time to thank you for helping me make a profound change in my life. See, I have been unemployed since January, when I was let go about a month after I disclosed to my employer that I had a disability. I immediately applied for unemployment insurance and within a few short weeks, I had my first check. It was only for one week, but lucky for us, my husband was also drawing unemployment since he had been laid off in April of 2009.

When that second check came with 3 weeks of payment, I must confess I went a little wild and spent nearly all of it on COBRA. I am ashamed to say this, but Orrin Hatch was right about us unemployed spending our checks on drugs. Every two weeks, I shot myself up with Humira for arthritis. In addition to being a Humira junkie, I was also addicted to other pills. No one told ever told me just how addictive blood pressure pills are! Thyroid pills too. Now that I no longer have unemployment money and the COBRA subsidies are going away, I can proudly say I kicked the habit of those nasty medications. Should I die of a heart attack or stroke, I will die with the satisfaction of knowing that my body was free of any sort of substance. And that's thanks to you!

Another area I have made some changes in since my unemployment benefits ran out is nutrition. Now that we have no money for grocery shopping, we won't be eating so much. Finally, the chance to attain the sleek and slender frame of my dreams! My three year old has been looking pretty chunky too so this not eating thing should be just great for him as well!

Now here is where I need some guidance: which utility should I stop paying first? Maybe our gas bill? I mean, it is summer and all, and who needs warm showers? A cold shower builds character! Maybe we should stop paying our water bill too. Indoor toilets are way overrated. My grandparents had an outhouse and if it was good enough for them, it's good enough for us. Plus the shrubs in our front yard have been looking a little sparse, so the extra fertilization should perk them right up! Our electric bills are getting pretty high now (almost $400 this month) so I guess we ought to think about letting that go also.

One thing I know for sure we'll continue to purchase is gas for our truck. Spending money on that gas gives us a chance to support Big Oil, and I wouldn't miss out on that for anything! They deserve their billion dollar profits, especially BP. They made about 5 billion this quarter and they sure need that money to clean up the oil spill in the Gulf! Haley Barbour was right when he said they had the most to lose; if people like me don't buy their gas, then the execs have no bonuses to look forward to and that's not right. They need their bonuses and tax cuts. Senator Kyl was right on the money when he said that those tax cuts for the wealthy don't have to be paid for which is why you guys are blocking unemployment benefits. The wealthy obviously deserve money more than we working people do; they wouldn't be rich if they hadn't worked so much harder than us! People like Paris Hilton toil away for hours on things like photo shoots in Tahiti and that's backbreaking work!

You will also be happy to hear that I took Andre Bauer's advice to heart and got an IUD when I still had insurance. Remember how he compared poor people to strays and said all they do is procreate anyway? Well, this stray won't be procreating anymore! I am honestly surprised that my husband wants anything to do with me anyway. He's working now (it only took 15 months to find a job) and I just don't know how he tolerates my freeloading butt! I really have been spoiled, just like Sharron Angle said. That reminds me, I have a question: if she wants a million people to send her $25, isn't that also freeloading? Shouldn't she go and get a job and make that money herself? Silly me, I get so confused. Must be from trying to figure out how statistics show 5 applicants for every job but you guys keep saying the jobs are there. If you're talking about jobs in fast food, etc., you are correct. They won't hire me though. They say having a degree makes me overqualified and then they go and hire some teenager. Maybe we should eliminate teenagers!

All in all, you guys really are lifechangers. Mitch McConnel was right when he said you got your groove back. I know I, for one, am not only grateful to you for helping me get off my duff (I was only spending a couple of hours a day looking for work instead of all day, every day), I am grateful that you know what the important stuff really is. Why here in my home state of Texas, where 30,000 people a week are losing UI benefits, the GOP has chosen to focus on re-criminalizing sodomy so being gay is against the law. Yeehaw Texas and God bless the USA!